Dating Advice For The Frustrated Girlfriend
I know this subject of ‘text my boyfriend’ is so hard when dating a man!
You want to connect with your boyfriend, and so you initiate contact and send him off a sweet/short/thoughtful/interesting/important/relevant “boyfriend text.”
Surely if he’s your boyfriend, he’ll appreciate YOUR text, since YOU are DIFFERENT from the other former girlfriends/current people in his life. Right?
Surely he’ll appreciate you saving him time by initiating contact with him. Right?
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And SURELY in the world of texts to send to your boyfriend, yours are SPECIAL, and he will DESIRE them to get him through his day just like the high you get from creating and sending him your well-crafted texts. Right?
Unfortunately, no.
Men don’t read it like that.
Men just see your text, without reading it sometimes, and think, “Wow. She’s needy of me. She can’t get through her day without putting me first. That makes her dependent on me. Too much pressure. Yuck.”
Another man might see your text and think, “Wow. She’s aggressive. I guess she wants me bad. Maybe I’ll call her up some night when I need a sexual distraction.”
A different guy would see your text and your move to initiate contact and think, “Can’t she leave me alone while I work/see my kids/exercise? Dang. Get a life.”
If you live in masculine energy as a woman, yes, you will want to initiate contact with him, and that will always be a problem in love. Masculine energy on you in the land of romance equals zero boyfriend appeal.
Not in work. Just in romance.
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Feminine energy has no desire to figure out how to initiate contact because there’s no WANT to initiate contact.
Masculine energy wants to initiate contact, hunt, get, acquire, seduce.
That’s his job. That’s his preference.
Your focus is to find another way to love you.
If you take that away from him, he will either distance or put you in the friends with benefits or friend zone category.
Every time.
If you are reading this blog post in masculine energy, you will fight back over these texting rules dating stuff.
So is this a texting RULE for dating you might be thinking?
It’s dating advice information that is tested, proven and works every time.
You can challenge it, experiment and see if it works for you–check the results.
Masculine men don’t want a masculine-energy woman. He wants you with girly energy.
How to be the woman a man wants, aka Boyfriend Appeal, is for you to live in feminine energy when you are around him.
Where you are SO COMFORTABLE living in feminine energy that you can wait for him to approach you.
You can be happy and content in your life and put yourself first—UNTIL he shows up in front of you in person, by phone or by text.
THEN you can be all about him.
Please watch my video on this topic here.
I know when you want a boyfriend’s attention, it’s easy to convince yourself to just reach out to him.
You wonder, “Does he still like me?” and then you feel the urge to initiate contact and send him any text. That text is (if you’re honest) to reassure yourself that he still loves you if he responds.
And…that’s very masculine energy.
You’re also disrespecting his masculine energies.
Spiritually, it’s like you are going to the Divine to say, “Hey God energy, you aren’t moving fast enough for me, and I can’t relax or trust in this process, so I’m just going to move this “boyfriend” along and get what I need. He’s stupid/shy/traumatized from his childhood (or I know better), and he just needs a push.”
You have to understand your push is a huge enough push energetically to push him away from you.
Is that what you want?
To help other women, tell all of us your story below of how initiating contact didn’t work for you.
Please share this article.
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Comment below. Have you ever gone against your intuition, initiated contact with your guy and immediately wished you hadn’t?
Please share and comment below…
Hi Christine! I love reading your newsletters and blog, and I loved your “Cheat Sheet” mini-e-book! Love your writing style, deep and also entertaining! Keep it up! 🙂
This article triggered me, so I have some things to say. First, I feel a bit frustrated (not with you or with the article), because I know that, for most cases, you’re right, and my experience has been exactly that: waiting by the phone, building urgency and resentment and feeling very silly and sad and angry with myself afterwards. So yeah, very important lesson to learn here!
Then, I also feel a bit conflicted, because there HAVE been a handful of times when I willingly experimented with this, and it felt very good and the results were positive (probably because I didn’t come from a place of lack or wanting something from the man, and I was relaxed and happy and just initiated to genuinely express a positive emotion through a feeling message; and I think my vibe was more sharing the positive emotion than about forcing a connection with the man). So that’s possible as well. And yes, I do know this is a slippery slope, because it’s so easy to convince ourselves that we’re not coming from a place of lack, when in fact we are (I’ve done that too)… Still learning here, and feeling intrigued by this very fine line…
I also have a question related to how you describe a man’s possible reactions in this post. I’ve asked a few guys if they like a woman to initiate (texting, conversations, sex…) and, surprisingly, they all said yes! After following Rori’s teachings (and now, the teachings of you wonderful ladies who carry her work forward), I was very surprised by this. Is it that these men don’t know what they actually want? Are they lying? Are they too polite to say that they don’t like it? Is it that they haven’t really been on the receiving end of a woman’s initiation yet, so they don’t know they wouldn’t like it? This thing confuses me a bit… What do you think, Christine?
Oh, well, enough ramblings! Once again: great post.
Hi Julia!
So sorry for the delay here. (Me being a webmaster spaz)
Okay, yes, men will “go” for an advance of a woman and a) slot you as an aggressive woman probably looking for casual sex and nothing more or b) smile and act like they are interested and pleased and be running in their heads and you’ll never hear from them or c) they are trained to be polite and not hurt a woman’s feelings so they’ll nod and smile and engage, but it’s a turn off for them. They don’t get to feel like the man if there was to be a romantic connection and d) any alpha man only likes to be the initiator.
And Julia, thank you so much for your kind and very generous words to compliment me on the writing. Let me know if you have an additional thought! I’d love to comment.
Best,
Christine
I met my “ex” almost 2 years ago while we were both separated from our spouses. I divorced my husband during that time and the ex was still figuring out how to work out his divorce. He has kids and I have none. We are both in our 40’s.
About 4 months ago, he finally was ready to start the divorce process. He moved into a new apartment, worked out visitation with his kids and picked up more hours at work. I sensed him pulling away and distancing himself from me and instead of understanding, I totally freaked out! I text-bombed, called and emailed him. I am so ashamed and embarrassed by how I acted. I am not normally a needy person. I explained this to him and apologized. He responded with all he can offer is friendship at this time.
At first, I agreed to this because, of course, I wanted to keep him in my life. We have seen each other twice since this new arrangement and we have a great time together and a strong connection, but it is hard for me because I still feel attracted to him. He hugs me but he won’t kiss me on the lips (sometimes on the neck). I feel like I am not being true to myself because I am settling for less than I want or deserve.
I want to tell him all of this but I am also scared of never seeing or talking to him again. I know the stress from his divorce is affecting him more than mine did and am hoping he will realize he wants me as his girlfriend again, but how can he do that if we are “just friends?” I never really went no contact with him so he has never really had a chance to miss me. Is it too late to do that now? Should I tell him I have realized I can’t be platonic friends with him and move on?
I feel he still loves me but he is overwhelmed and possibly feels he wants to enjoy his new found freedom even though he has never said that.
I just don’t know what to do. I want to be in a relationship with him again.
I think my biggest fear is that I will go no contact and he won’t miss me or contact ME.
I have begun working on myself and my confidence. I am not as depressed as when all this first started but it is still hard.
I appreciate any advice you have to offer.
Hi Gabby,
What a heart-wrenching story! I bet every woman has been through this and yet when we go through it–it is so hard to drop it and move on.
You wrote your story so well, so clearly, and…you in your brilliance stated the exact problem and I’ll quote you:
“I think my biggest fear is that I will go no contact and he won’t miss me or contact ME.”
You solved your own situation. THAT fear is running you. Even though the pain of walking through your days in pain of him offering “friendship” and no more romance and passion, you are fearing that no-contact from him will hurt more than the 98% no contact from him now.
So, the pain of that other 2% is going to be empowering. You can feel that last 2% pain, and then start to move on with hope of ‘what if I healed?’ Because right now you’re walking with an open wound and you only want him to be the band-aid with a once-every-two-month visit. The wound of no-more-relationship will still be there and hurt.
He’s not your band-aid. You go heal that wound the best you can by moving on and thinking of him less.
Who knows the WHY of his distancing; you realize he has distanced himself and I don’t want you to try to be more pleasing to win him. Let him have his space and you yours and see how healing changes your perspective.
I’m here for one-on-one coaching to get you through the pain. Hope this brief reply helps.
I’m sending you a virtual hug and I want you to enjoy life as it is today. Radically accept it and look for the blessings. They are always there.
Hugs and love,
Christine
Masculine energy wants to initiate contact, hunt, get, acquire, seduce. That’s his job. That’s his preference. Then what is the Feminine’s preference? And if she doesn’t have a preference, what is it her nature to ‘do’?
Hi Yve!
I think this is an AMAZING question!!
Men are pre-wired for the most part to initiate, hunt, etc. and they stay true to that.
But I see women as mult-capable and in the work fields and parenting they can be successful in the masculine. It is a challenge for women to drop the masculine and re-connect with their feminine energy which is to just BE, let the world and his energy come to them, be surprised, observe it and decide how to respond, and feel, feel, feel.
I think women have disconnected from that feminine aspect and suffer in romance because of it.
Thanks for taking the time to comment!!
Hugs,
Christine
You have just given a real good lesson to all of us women especially the independent ones we buy our own houses we are managers in our jobs so it is very hard to get back in our girly stage I think we have to remember that, and thank you for reminding us.
Hi Eunice,
First of all thanks for taking the time to comment!
You are absolutely correct. We’ve been trained to be big achievers in the workplace and yes, it’s so difficult to switch hats to feminine. However, with practice, we can!
Thanks for stopping in and you’re always welcome to comment.
Best,
Christine
Hi Christine,
Fantastic blog! I have two questions: Firstly, Ive been following the articles advice however the guy ive been dating has initiated his last few texts with things like ‘are you still alive?’ ‘You still around?’ Because I always wait for him to initiate texts/calls. Is this being too much of a stickler to Rori’s teachings and am I in danger of making him think I don’t care about him?
Secondly, when a guy responds to your question with a brief statement and no questions/attempt to keep convo going- is it rude for me to just not respond? It sometimes feels like too much effort for me to think up a response and as that’s masculine I end up not responding.
I’m very much a learner at all this. Thanks so much Mik x
Hi Mik,
You are a great learner! By your questions I see you’ve studied and learned well!!
When a guy says “You still alive?” it’s often a crumb. It’s easy, no-brainer and puts many women on the defensive to explain or come rushing towards him. If overall he’s not stepping up, I’d ignore those texts until he has something substantial for you. Because you are worth it! Same with brief statements that don’t engage unless it’s the first time online, then respond with a feeling message one time and if he can’t engage more, ignore.
Hope that helps and super glad you enjoy the blog!
Hugs,
Christine
I am learning this concept . I was disappointed about not being together for New Years we have been together for 11 months . I recently had a meltdown last month over a dear friend’s death and the hopelessness in our relationship . He has become very distant .
He claimed he wasn’t feeling well NYE and he was hosting family in town for a home going .
He called Saturday after the funeral then nothing until Sunday morning with a GM text so I initiated contact by calling that night and he still said he is busy and will be out of town this week .
He texted me GM Monday and called to say goodnight before fell asleep from a long day working … I missed his call and called back we talked briefly .
That was the last time I heard from him , he hasn’t contacted me since and I thought about texting but I decided against it.
Part of me feels like it’s my turn ( what harm would it do) and the other part of me feels like he is done he just wants to make it fade out . Or he wants to cause me to freak out . Am I being needy over 2 days of NC ?
Hi Bela,
Gosh I hear the pain and I hear your intuition and insight too! Yes, let him have his space and you go on with your life, enjoy it, flirt with men, feel good and take care of you…and that means do your darn best to not think about him. Let him come to you because really, that is all that matters.
It doesn’t feel good to have to hunt a man for a few crumbs of time together. It’s better to let him come to you and that means taking care of you. He’ll find that attractive!!
Thanks for stopping in, sharing, and commenting. You’re worth lots of love Bela.
Hugs,
Christine
Thanks for the info. I have been seeing someone on and off for 18months. He is back and forth with wanting a relationship. I initiated texts recently and made it worse. He asked me to go to Florida with him but usually backs out of things and cancels at the last minute. I will take your advice and hold back. Very useful. Thanks
Hi Nicola,
You got it! When we as women, initiate contact, it does make it worse and pushes him out. Good for you to find the strength to lean back and just live your life.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing!!
I’ve been in an off/on for over 3 years. I know part of it is me. We break up, I work on me then we get together and I start out feminine and when I see him start backing away, I freak out and start doing more hoping that will finally get him to choose me. I love this person deeply and at times it seems he does too, but he only let’s things get so far, and then starts saying that he cares for me and even loves me but he doesn’t want to commit. I feel crummy and like I’m not good enough. This time I’m doing better. He said he needed his space and I left and haven’t contacted him. I’m doing what I have to do. We were even living together at one point. Now I’m on my own again. I do miss him terribly at times, but I’m living my life. If he decides he wants me, he’s going to have to come find me.
Oh Angie, you are doing really well. I know it hurts, and sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t feel like rainbows and sunshine (you going on your own and letting him pursue you by giving him space and getting into your own life). However, with time, it will, and you’ll look back and realize something that was a life lesson to take with you into the future.
Best,
Christine
I am in a relationship where I only hear from him about once a week. He sometimes makes plans with me for the next evening, but will almost always back out of pre-made plans. He usually calls me on a day (Fri, Sat, or Sun) to spend time together in the evening (usually past 8pm). After we dated for 7 months on and off, he asked me to be his girlfriend. That was three months ago. I don’t ever initiate contact. I always let him pursue me. I assume he likes it that way, but I read in so many other articles that it is important to mirror his efforts. What he puts in, I put in as well. Call him once for every three times he calls me. I make myself busy, and do things, and don’t put entirely too much thought into the fact that we are on a once-a-week hang out basis. I have a strong desire to be with this man, and to see how the relationship will develop with time. I sometimes wonder if he will ever pick up the pace. Every now and again, I get to thinking “damn, he really doesn’t like me all that much to be putting in as little effort as he does”. Quality over quantity is what I tell myself. We really do have quality time together. There is no one else I want to be with, so I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just a work-a-holic (which he is), and that wears him out, and he’d rather just sleep in the evenings, and wind down on his own.
Should I even address this issue with him? The pace of our relationship? I mean, do I even try to communicate that I wonder if the relationship is going somewhere? I feel like that is a masculine thing to do – to try and initiate a discussion about how he relationship is going. He’s obviously going at his own pace (turtle slow). For now I am perfectly fine with that, but I don’t know how much longer I feel that I will be.
Do men really like not being contacted by a woman? Does he really not want any affirmation that I actually like him back? Enough to try to initiate contact with him every now and again? Does this no initiating of contact last for the entirety of a relationship? Is there a point in time where it is okay for the woman to start contacting him?
In the past, I initiated contact with him (while we were dating), and it didn’t go well! He never responded! So I definitely learned my lesson with that – he likes to pursue (as I assume most men do). But then again, is it that he likes to pursue, or that he’s just really not that into me?
Hi Angela,
Thank you for sharing because your story is the story of many females, regardless if they are teens or in their 80’s.
I want you to re-read your letter and see how much mental energy is being exerted into what he is and isn’t doing. In one line you said you live your life, but, your life is “on hold” because you’ve left him in charge of the decision making.
He has his comfort…once a week with you. And that REALLY doesn’t feel good to you…and that’s ok.
Falling into the “girlfriend trap” of being i.d.’d a girlfriend but then he doesn’t act like a supportive and loving boyfriend is no fair.
You let him get away with that and you feel it’s not fair. Take your power back, and start living your life and don’t be available for the one-night-a-week crumb. Tell him it doesn’t feel good to be seen once a week and you are going to try to fill your “dance card” with activities and people that do feel good because you want a full-time relationship.
And then do just that.
Hugs x10,
Christine
Hi Christine,
Excellent blog, after 30 -40 years of learning the wrong way I need to be reminded over and over. You are absolutely right. I never knew before that initiating things puts a man under pressure and that does not feel good to them.
Also, my feminine mind can be sneaky.
The man I used to date called several weeks ago to chat.
He mentioned physical aches and pains he was having. A week later I was enjoying the jacuzzi where I live and suddenly thought hey, this would feel soothing to him. I called him and said he was welcome to come over and use the jacuzzi if that
would help him feel better. He said thanks, but did not come over. As soon as we hung up I had that awful embarrassed feeling that I did not need to do that. Just trying to be kind – but not a good idea. Yuk!
Bless you for helping us al soooo much.
I”m assuming this includes calling and emailing along with texting?
That is correct!
Best,
Christine
I had the worst time with a man I thought I was dating… that gave me the run around and would initiate some texting and some inviting…in a 30 hr period I was invited and then led on with multiple texts after the fact. And the meeting never happened. But I got a couple of “I’m sorry” texts. I realized from what he was texting, that they were for different women. He said things that I had no idea what he was talking about..we never actually had those experiences together.
Anyway, in my masculine energy I just really wanted to call him out on his subsequent error. I sent a text to let him know. It’s crazy that I want him to at least want to rectify this, but he doesn’t even try.
Hi Gem,
Yikes! Run is my answer. But you already know that and like many women you’re feeling stuck and miserable.
Take one step at a time and mentally and emotionally walk away from him.
There are better men for you.
Hugs,
Christine
I’ve been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. He always leaves the house and never let’s me know that he is going out, where he is going, how long he will be , etc. Sometimes I text and ask him where he is/what he is doing/or when he’ll be back. I only do it occasionally. I think it’s extremely rude to not let me know anything. What are your thoughts on this?
Xo Katy
Hi Katy,
Yes, that is odd behavior to live with a woman and leave without any word at all. He’s doing this to punish you most likely. Time for a heart to heart.
Hugs,
Christine
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Hi Pamela,Thank you for your kind words. Very appreciated!
Beat,
Christine
Hello Christine
I have this huge dilemma:
I have been with my bf for almost 5 years. It got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore and asked THE question, ” what are the next plans?”.
To which he said there are currently no plans. Deep inside he was frustrated because he just did the first step and moved out,. The initial plan is him moving out from this parents and then we will get married.
Is asking a man this question pushing him ? And being needy ?
My response was if you have no plans, I embrace your thinking and move on with my life. In hopes that he will realize I am not going to wait for ever.
Reality is I hope he wants what I want, to get married.
So my question is in this situation would this be consider being pushy or needy? and I’m I being masculine by asking for ” what’s next in our relationship?”
Thank you very very very much.
If women live their lives fully, a man who is interested will want to be a part of that. Then a woman doesn’t have to wait for a man to tell her what will be happening in her life.
Hello Christine:
Is being needy the same thing as asking your bf what is the next step in your relationship?
and what should I do if he says their is no plans?
Deep down I just want him to come back?
Please help.
I have a question, if I am having a rough day, isn’t okay to share that with him? Wouldn’t it bring us closer? I’m having a rough few days, I think that to have him as a shoulder to cry/lean on to feel better would bring us closer, making him feel like he’s someone I trust with my feelings, someone who brightens my day. Is that wrong? Do I not initiate contact and get this bond, this feeling from friends instead? How, then, will we ever become emotionally closer? Thank you 🙂